Death
Shock. I am blind to all other emotions. Laughing? Why am I laughing? There is no comedy in death. The laughter stops. The palm of reality slaps me in my hard, stone dead face. She's dead. No more cheeky grins beaming happiness into every class. No more her. An end so soon. So cruel and unforgiving that life is. Rationalise. I must. I shake my limbs back to life. Life. Living. Death. Dead. She's dead and I can't cope. The hot waterfall tears flow down the rocks of my cheeks. They won't stop and I am glad. When they stop I will have to think. Think about what is happening in life. But I don't know what is happening in life. Only what has happened. And that is death. For this first time in my life I am being affected by something against all my control. I hate it. But I can't stop it. I need her. I need to see her. To say good-bye. He won't let me. He took her from us. Now we are left to be haunted by her personality in our dreams. However hard we try we can't bring her back. The tears have stopped flowing down my face but they still fall in my heart. They gather in my soul. They will drain only when I see her again. That is my aim. My aim in life is to die. But to die properly you have to have lived. I intend to do just that. But until I die, the tears will carry on. Tears of life for the dead.
Alison Barnes 11.2.99
Confusion
Tick. Tock. Time goes on. I lie still as stone. Waiting for sleep to come. Something blocks the release. It can't break through the wall of tension built up in my mind. My mind isn't ready to rest but my body is. Why didn't I say how I really felt instead of saying fine? Did he mean it when he said he loves me? Does it matter? Does anything matter? During the suspension of sleep it surely does not. But awake I am and so it does matter. Thoughts roll over in my mind. Same thoughts again and again. They plague me but I fight to ignore them. It becomes impossible and I give up the battle. I give in to what is trying to take me over. My mind is working overtime. Again. The only way to stop it is to confront my thoughts. I roll over to see his sleeping form. Beautiful and perfectly formed. He stirs and looks at me. He slips his arm around my waist and like a sponge his body soaks up my troubles. Nuzzling him like a baby dependant on its mothers milk. I feel needed. It is a comfortable feeling and I don't want it to leave. Ever. His long elegant hand runs over my soft hair. Comfort is washed over me and my eyes sink shut. Darkness seeps through. Sleep approaches. I am united with the night.
a.b. 11.2.99
Lust
Deep, swirling pools of darkness. I can't describe the way I feel when you look my way. Your eyes. Your eyes make me feel like I've disappeared into atmospheric nothingness and only your eyes can see me. Piercing through the world right down to my soul. Your eyes connect to my spirit, my centre, my heart. Then out you step, your spiked hair spearing its way into my mind. Then it's rooted there, not moving, not growing, just there, waiting to be joined by the rest of you etched in my memory until I fade like the dawn. Then you speak. Sound like velvet. Folding its way to my ears. Gathering itself in my brain. Wrapping itself around the images of you already there. I see you. In my minds eye you are there. Waiting to envelop me in your warm, outstretched arms. Like long strands of tender spaghetti you wind yourself around my body. I forget what I was thinking before I encountered you. I am blank. I feel nothing. I am nothing. All I am is being held by you. It is you. It is me and it is love.
a.b. 11.2.99
Destiny?
In a room. So many surrounding personalities and eyes. Flesh against flesh. He feels her. There is a spark. Hands released. The spark remains. Contact is over but still the spark remains. She stays with her eyes glued to his scalp. With no regard to his watcher he returns to work. Something is there. In his thoughts. Something bides its time. Waits to surface. It rears its head when she walks by. But still he disregards it. Impossible. She can't be. Can she? The one he dreams of? He sees her. Walking towards him. Hair flowing. Flesh aching to be touched, kissed, caressed by him. A turn of a head and connection is made. Eyes contact eyes. A familiar feeling is unleashed deep inside him. It is her. Or a form of her. Does she know? A buzz. She reaches out. The room and its people recede and in their paradise they are alone. No-one surrounds them now and they are alone. What happens now is their own choice. Fate they met. Today of all days. A year since he lost whom he thought to be the one. But this is now. Present. She is real. The lungs of destiny breathed her to him. An advance is made. He moved towards her. His heat reaching and merging with hers. Their mouths unite and they are as one.
a.b. 11.2.99
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