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Household (and philosophical) tip for the day: To keep milk from turning sour -- keep it in the cow.

Quote of the day: In a moment of extreme intelligence, showing an unusually sweet disposition and displaying a keen sense of diplomacy, 3-year-old Bradley announced to his father: "My mommy is the queen of all mommies."

Quote of the day: Rushing out the door to try to make it to preschool on time, I suddenly remembered we had neglected to brush 3-year-old Bradley's teeth. ME: (frantically) "Oh Bradley, we forgot to brush your teeth. Well, we don't have time now so we'll brush them when we get home." BRADLEY: (angrily) "I can't go to preschool with DOG BREATH!"

Quote of the day: Bradley's big sister, Lauren, recently graduated from nursing school and just got her first job as a labor and delivery nurse. BRADLEY'S DAD: "Hey Bradley, Lauren got a new job today. She's going to deliver babies." BRADLEY: "She's going to put BABIES in the MAIL BOXES?"

Quote of the day (a colleague, regarding the quips that regularly appear in this space): "How dare you presume that we care what you think?"

Thought for the day: The smallest interval of time is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

Quote of the day: 3-year-old Bradley was protesting loudly when it came time for me to go to work. He pleaded, crying, "Mommy, mommy, you can't leave me, no, no. Stay home." ME: "Okay, but if I can't go to work, we can't afford to pay for things. Turn all the lights off. Turn off the TV. Take the videos back." BRADLEY: "Bye, mommy. Drive carefully."

Tip for the day: You'll know you're not a person of great influence when you come to my house and try ordering my dog around.

Thought for the day: You'll know you're an e-mail junkie when you wake up at 3 A.M. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

Thought for the day: There's an incredibly striking resemblance between "Cocoa Comets" and my dog's food.

Quote of the day: Standing in line at the post office to mail our taxes, Bradley said, "Mommy, look! That post officer doesn't have any hair!" All of the 40-some-odd people waiting in line got a good chuckle out of that, well, except me, and the "post officer," who thankfully didn't shoot us.

Quote of the day: Standing stealthily outside Bradley's preschool class, I overheard the teacher preparing the kids for Mother's Day. TEACHER: "Ciarra, why do you love your mommy?" CIARRA: "Because she beats me and then says she loves me."TEACHER (and me, horrified): "She BEATS you?" CIARRA: "She FEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS me."

Thought for the day: How many graphics editors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Eight. One to supply the bulbs, one to draw a how-it's-done diagram, one to write the instructions, four to nit-pick the instructions and the diagram, and 1 to call maintenance for expert help.

Thought for the day: Our colleague, Pat, adds: It also takes eight news desk editors: One to tell the copy desk The Times doesn't say "screw" so change it to "insert" throughout; one to tell graphics the bulb has to be 3 1/2" tall mounted vertically; one to call the copy desk back and say maybe "install" is better than "insert"; one to change the size to 2" high mounted horizontally and not tell graphics; one to request that two more filaments be added to the bulb without making it any bigger; one to change it back to one filament again; one to yell at graphics because the bulb doesn't fit; and one to write the greenie the next day: "Illuminating. Who?"

Quote of the day: News reports about the Southern Baptists declaring that women should submit to their husbands left out this little factoid: "The group also declared they'll be sleeping on the couch until further notice."

Quote of the day: Bradley, as I chugged apple juice: "Go easy on the fluids, pal, the rubber sheets are packed!" (Bradley has become quite skilled at quoting lines from movies; this one is from Home Alone 2, which he saw last Christmas.)

Quote of the day (my fortune cookie): "You will buy a talking parrot. It will testify in court against you."

Quote of the day (Bradley): "Mommy, when I grow up to be the daddy, and you get small like me, I'll get your breakfast ready EVERY morning."

Quote of the day (Bradley was taking the job of assembling his new "big boy bed" very seriously, playing the part of a construction worker and wearing a hard hat): BRADLEY: "Mommy, I'm getting hot." ME: "Why don't you take your construction hat off?" [He takes the hat off, takes his shirt off, then puts the hat back on.] BRADLEY: "I wanna be a REAL construction guy."

Quote of the day: Bradley and I watched the news about the Capitol police shooting. Days later, upon waking from his afternoon nap,Bradley described his dream: "Mommy, I dreamed that I took all the guns in the whole wide world and put them on a spaceship and sent them out to space so nobody would ever get shot again."

Thought for the day, from a renegade Census reporter: "More Americans arestaying put. Of the 42 million people who moved, almost 28 million remained in the same county, 8 million moved to a different county, and 6 million are still at the DMV."

Thought for the day: My new shoes claim to be "100% biodegradable." (I'm afraid to wear them in the rain.)

Quote of the day: Bradley and I went to the beach today: "Mommy, I want to go inside. I don't like the wind. I don't like sand on my feet. The sun is too bright." (We go inside.) "Mommy, it's too hot in here. Let's go to the beach."

License plate seen on the NJ Turnpike today (California plates on a white Ford Bronco): "NOT OJ"

Quotes of the day: CNN anchor to Canadian rescue worker on the phone: "Describe the conditions there."Rescue worker: "It's 3 A.M. It's very dark." CNN anchor to witness: "Describe what the weather conditions were." Witness: "It is clear ... and overcast."

Quote of the day: Bradley was in time-out for being rude when he made this announcement: "Mommy, you're fired. I'm getting a new mommy."

Quote of the day: Today was Bradley's first day of school. I had to fill out a questionnaire about his "personality and temperment." So I asked Bradley what I should write. "Write down that I'm friendly but that sometimes I cry."

Thought for the day (courtesy of my colleague, Joe): "Sheep are born preshrunk, by the way."

Thought for the day: Today's "Bradley quote" was a really great one. Unfortunately, I cannot print it here as it is not suitable for mature audiences.

Quote of the day: Bradley saw a commercial for a new instant oatmeal that comes in a "Dinosaur Eggs" version. (It "hatches tiny dinosaurs" when hot water is added.) Of course, Bradley wanted to immediately buy some, until I told him, "I heard that the baby dinosaurs are real and they will grow inside your stomach and eat their way out." Bradley replied: "Mommy, stop kidding me!" And then a few seconds later..."You ARE kidding, right?"

Quote of the day: Bradley and I were having a great time walking in the woods. We collected autumn leaves, inspected the rotten roots of a fallen tree, and pretended we were squirrels collecting nuts for our winter meals and twigs to shelter us from the cold. Bradley wondered out loud if we could stay there forever. ME: "But Bradley, where would we sleep?" BRADLEY: "Over there, mommy, in that house at the edge of the woods. Duh."

Quote of the day: Upon the return to Standard Time, a store near my house must have figured that everyone gained a full day instead of only an hour. A sign on the door: "Due to time change, we're closed today."

Story of the day: (Reuters, Nov. 2) NAIROBI, Kenya--The Kenyan Government has formed a committee to investigate problems that may be caused by the so-called millennium bug. The deadline for the committee's recommendations was set at April 2000, four months after the bug will have taken effect.

Thought for the day: Due to teachers' in-service training today, there were no classes at Bradley's school. So we went to the mall ..... where we saw his teacher shopping.

Supermarket tabloid story of the day (Weekly World News): According to a"scientific" study, married women who are feeling depressed can cure their problem by "slapping the daylights out of their unsuspecting husbands every morning."