FLYING AWAY
Sitting in another land
Dreams are held
In others' hands
Only wanting to escape
This hold on me
I cannot break
I try and try
To no avail
I am living in
A wretched hell
Looking for a way out
Fighting, hurting
I scream and shout
Living in this nether land
I fight and fight
Still here I am
Caught up in
This lonely place
The ones I love
Are hard to face
I try to find
A place to hide
There’s no where to run
No where to be
Life is so hard
Just being me
I turn around
Yet here I am
Looking for things that can’t be found
Tracing steps and looking back
I fly away
With broken wings
A broken soul
That no longer sings
The song of life
From happy times
When things weren’t wrong
When my soul was mine . . .
TAR III
08-01-08
MY STONE
Separation:
The division of an object into multiple segments
Fusion:
To join different parts to make a whole
Separation-Fusion:
To join an object that has been torn apart
Always home but never there
Searching for that which I can not have
Everything I have and hold
Given freely to those with no soul
Each step of struggle
A lesson learned
One hurdle behind me
Another fork in the path
Yet a new decision
A choice to be made
Wrong or right
It is mine to make
Even are the odds
Find myself in other moments
When always there you are
The corner stone of my foundation
My pillar, my brace, my beam
Solitude forever escaping
Frames outside of my now
Bits and pieces
Fragments
Like interlocking segments
Of the puzzle of life
While all the while
My hand you guide
Looking through my eyes
Pushing , nudging , guiding
Only concern in you is me!!!
While only through you
I am allowed to be . . .
H
____________________________________________________________________________________
Never miss a thing. Make Yahoo your home page.
http://www.yahoo.com/r/hs
OLDING ON
How often do we question?
All the things that matter!
Struggling from our self-judgment
All the while judging everything around us . . .
War
Hate
Suffering
Yearning for reason
To a question one can’t answer
Looking in and out
Finding no conclusion
Confusion
Weariness
Unrest
Early morning rising
Light upon the new beginning
A glimpse of clarity
Fading into the foggy mist
Sightless
Flowing over
Stumbling
Ever will I find my-self?
A sane reason
My-self!
An epiphany
Slipping ever nearer to the mark
I make my way
Following the wrong path
For the right reason
I stager
Wobble
Lean
For in my-self I find the meaning
Of holding on!
TAR III
1.25.08
SLEEPING BEAUTY
I LOOK INTO THE SOUL OF MY SLEEPING BEAUTY
SMOTHERED IN NYLON,COTTON, AND FEATHERS
SO PEACEFUL IS THE WONDER WHICH I BEHOLD
I LOOK UPON LIFE THAT I SEE BEFORE ME
SLUMBERING SO SOFTLY
NO MOVEMENT
ONLY BREATHING
HOLDING MYSELF IN AWE!
IS THIS ART THAT EMBRACES, AN ANGEL!
SLOWLY I REMOVE THYSELF
AWAY FROM THE LOVE
THAT I CAN NOT HOLD
FEELINGS ESCAPE ME
ONLY TO SURFACE AGAIN
RAGING ON THOSE THAT I HOLD DEAR!
FALLING ON DEAF EARS
I PRAY FOR FORGIVENESS
SOME SOLITUDE
SOME MOMENT
SOME PEACE!
A TIME AWAY FROM MYSELF
WHERE WILL I BEGIN?
YESTERDAY?
TOMORROW?
TODAY?
I LOOK INSIDE MYSELF
TURMOIL WRITHING
SEARCHING
PRAYING
BEGGING
FOR THE ANSWER, I CAN NOT FIND!
WHILE LOOKING
SEARCHING
SEEKING OUT
THAT WHICH I CAN NOT GRASP
I FIND MYSELF
LOOKING INTO THE SOUL
OF
MY
SLEEPING BEAUTY . . .
TAR III
01-21-2008
LIFE ON THE EDGE
A CRYING VOICE THAT GOES UNHEARD, CALLING OUT ON DEAF
EARS
COOKIES CRUMBS ON TABLES EDGE, FALLING FOREVER TO
FLOORS SURFACE
PRAYERS FROM A SPIRIT OF INNOCENCE, GOING UNHEARD
THE WILL TO CHANGE,WITH THE WANT TO NOT!
ALL THE RIGHTS ARE WRONG, WITH ALL THAT’S WRONG NOT
RIGHT
HOLDING ON AND LETTING GO
EVEN WHEN LETTING GO HURTS SO MUCH…
HOW IN THIS WORLD ALL THAT’S BAD, ONLY CAUSES BLANK
SPACES IN ONE’S MIND
CHANCES ARE ALL THAT’S GIVEN
CHANCES TO BETTER WHAT WAS NOT, ONLY A MOMENT TO LATE
WHEN ALL HOPE IS LOST
FINDING WHAT WAS LOST, IS GIVEN AGAIN
SACRIFICE, HURT, PAIN, AND SUFFERING
HOLDING ON TO WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
LOSING WHAT WAS
ONLY TO GET IT BACK AGAIN
WHAT RIGHTEOUSNESS IS THERE IN THIS?
HOPE
FAITH
BELIEF
CUT DOWN ON SOME LEVEL
NOT KNOWING
WHAT IS, AND WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN
WHAT ARE THE ANSWERS TO THE QUESTION?
HOW CAN HOPE SWELL FROM THIS WAVE OF CONFUSION?
IT IS NOT KNOWN
ONLY IS IT KNOWN THAT IT IS!
GIVEN AGAIN
FAITH
HOPE
BELIEF
THAT ALL THAT WAS WILL BE AGAIN
ALL THAT WAS LOST, WILL BE FOUND
EVERYTHING CHERISHED WILL BE WHOLE!
WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE?
WHO ARE WE TO QUESTION?
GIVEN AGAIN . . .
WHAT PATH WILL WE TAKE?
ONLY IN MORBID MENTALITY
THE CHOICE, IT WILL BE MADE
RIGHT OR WRONG
NEVER KNOWING
ONLY KNOWING
NOTHING WAS EVER KNOWN
RIGHT
OR
WRONG
THE CHOICE WAS NOT MY OWN!!!!
TAR III
01-05-08
DREAMES
do not have a small cabin/house,
but do have a wonderful wife,three butiful female
children, and lots of big beautiful,wonderful dreams!
no suitcase full of money,
but ideas on how to make one . . .
i am a mechanic,
for all my life!
have done crime,have done time
life i am still living!
played with the doh?etc . . .etc . . .
just a couple of old tv's,
and sound all around
a few book cases,
moere book . . .?
my dvd's are mine!a makeover for everything listed
no corvette!
only an old beater!
all i want is someone to understand the dreams i have,
for my family and myself
a friend to share the journey!!!
TAR III
03-01-06
My Moments
A workaholic without work
Reduced to fears and digging dirt
Red hot days that bring evening storms
A mad temper full of rage and scorn
Pick a moment out of life
Without reason and without rhyme
How ugly a twist is this test of time
Born on this earth the devil's son
Running a race that can't be won
Looking for answers and trying to find
Where life is going and wondering why
The simple pleasures we can't enjoy
How can I stand alone
Why can't I accept my own
Truth and reason to build my home
Tearing down the walls I build
After all these years still climbing the hill
A mountian top that I can no longer reach
A hope, a dream to find in me
The place where I can finally rest
Only silence is found in my death!!
TAR III
07/24/04
Angry Self
Angry waves pound the crying sand
Washing the worries of a million years out to sea
Moonrise, sunset, sunrise, moonset
The tide is high and the times are changing
Life is broken like the brittle shell
Pounded by the heavy surf
Washed away forever, forgotten
Never to return only to be replaced by the new!
TAR III
09/21/02
Carolina Beach, N.C.
Outside the Looking Glass
The trees are folded from the winter ice
Power is out
No water
Phone!
Stumble in the darkness
Stub my toe on the table
Trees crumble to the ground
A ground that glitters
Slick with the frozen wonderland
Electricity explodes blue into the night
I labor all day to cut my way through
Exploring the new wonders of my own back yard
For everything is different
The world has become still
Nothing moves
But the falling trees
As they make their way to the ground
Crack
Swoosh
Boom!
I slip and slide
My vehicle stuck above ground
Friends and loved ones surround me
As Mother Nature spends her energy
Filling the space with beauty and destruction
All seems as but a dream
My breath but a frozen moment
That holds in front of my face
Tomorrow the sun will shine
The earth will melt
The seas will part
The sky will blue
And once again the earth will be the same
The same as it was the day before
I stepped inside the looking glass . . .
TAR III
1.3.03
Hope
How
Ordinary
People
Live!
TAR III
1.3.03
New Year's?!!!
Cops out light out white out
Who’s out?
Are you out?
Let me give a shout out!
Blast out
Cast out
And mad
But it’s New Years Eve
There’s a party out
Or maybe in?
Get my bat out
So I can flat out show the world how
To live it up with a pow!
But I’m broke now
And so is my bat
What am I fightin for?
New world order
Locked in borders
A waste land for my daughters?
No place
No space
Just the ugly human race
Walking by while they spit in my face!
Shut inside my corner
Lunacy lurking in the shadows
Trying to hold on to reality
Or a glimpse of a fantasy
My fantasy!
Which is the way life used to be
Simple and nice
Not sunshine and sugar
But worth living
Looking forward to being
Visions that were really seeing
Well I have to go…
There’s a party you know
New Years!
TAR III
12.31.02
God?
Cars go past
The open drive
The trees are dead
The sun screams fire
Time stands still
The air is cold
The moon is so far away
And so hard to hold
Shattered glass beneath my feet
As I wander down this empty path
Trying to hold onto myself
The task is hard
Almost unbearable
Unthinkable!
Where are you now?
Where have you been?
It is only my footprints in the sand
Because I am alone
Only me
Taking myself where I am going
Not really sure where that is?
Walking each step uphill
Just wanting to stop
Lie down and be still
Take my last breath
And exhale!
Walk away from the struggle
Give up the fight
Where will that get me?
Beside you?
When I am already beside myself
My faith it falters and falls away
I am lost
Yet I know just where I am
I am here with all the pain
And where are you?
TAR III
12.14.02
Open Your Eyes
Found in a funnel
Spiraling down
Open your eyes
What was there
What is now gone
Twisting
Turning
Through the hole
The hole of time
The hole of life
Open your eyes
Even with them open
You still do not see
I am like the invisible man
Reach out your hand
It goes through me
As if I am not even there
Open your eyes
Your ugly words
They hurt no more
For I am not here
All the while
You wonder where I am?
Or maybe you don’t
Open your heart
Try to love
Try to understand
All the love that I have
How being invisible
Is so lonely
Like a naked coat rack
Too late
Open your eyes
I am already gone
You missed it
Let it slip by
Now you are lonely
Naked and cold
Your eyes are finally open
You see what was
Only it is too late . . .
TAR III
11.21.02
Crazy
Talking trash
Holding nothing back
Foul mouth
Bad words
Throw up your hands
Cast down your eyes
Letting the world
See your true side
Nose in the air
Trying to hide
From the stench of your own madness
It is hard to do
For it fills the space
Chokes those around you
Why are we?
This I do not know
Can not explain
Have quit trying to
Throw away your madness
Before it is too late
When even you can’t stand yourself
When love has left you completely
And you alone
In your loneliness
Will be no more . . .
TAR III
11.21.02
Changing
Everything changes in shape and form
Seasons
Dreams
Places
And People
Moments of time slip past or crumble away
Age catches up
Time marches on
Feelings are lost
Memories forgotten
New ones take their place like front soldiers in battle
All life is made up of change
Some hard
Some easy
Some happy
Some sad
While pondering life and it’s meaning
One will conclude that, even these thoughts
Involve constant change
So hold on to your memories
Be open to new ones
Live for right now
Follow your dreams
Cast doubt to the side
Break the chains that hold you down
And like a boat at sea
Roll with the changes . . .
TAR III
10.6.02
Waves
Everything comes in waves she said
Water at the ocean
Clouds on the horizon
Life and love
And pain!
Where does it go when it is over I ask?
Nothing only silence
And why only in waves?
Still only silence
Are there not answers to my questions?
I am confused!
Even confusion comes in waves she finally spoke!!!
TAR III
7.23.02
His
My heart is filled with joy
Where once there was only pain
My days no longer burdened
With hatefulness and shame
My heart is full of love
It once was black with hate
My days are filled with beauty
With patience I will wait
My heart is no longer empty
Nor anymore my own
It is filled with peace and love
Now that Jesus calls it home!
THANK YOU
TAR III
1.6.02
Vision
I had a vision, but you weren’t in it
I searched and searched, but you weren’t there
Part of my heart and part of my soul
Lost within my own ignorance
For my skin it tingles
Shivers with my every thought of you
Your gentle touch
Brushing every part of my being
How your sent it fills me
Even when you are not there
The confusion, how it flows
Like a raging river
Consuming
Filling my thoughts
Blinding me
I had a vision, but you weren’t there
I searched and searched, but I could not find you
My heart was broken and bleeding
Sorrow filled my present
Cloaking my pleasant past thoughts
Times of happiness
Laughing moments of togetherness
Your sparkling eyes
Warm breath upon my neck
I had a vision, but you weren’t there
I searched and searched, but I could not find you
I looked for you in every secret place we had
Every nook and every cranny
And as my heart ached
I began to smile
Smile for all the times we shared
Times of happiness and times of sorrow
When we laughed
When we cried
All the times you were right
When I said you were wrong
To live for each moment waking in your arms
To feel our bodies that through the night
Have become one
Glistening with the oneness of the other
Only to look into your eyes and see
That you loved me
Just as I loved you
And the air it crackled and sparked with electricity
And my now’s meander on into my tomorrows
But to think that all my days be sad because of loss
Would surely be a waste
For life is but a drop of dew
Waiting for the sun to take it home . . .
TAR III
10.19.02
Defeated
Twisted
Torn
Scraped
Battered
Cut
Chewed up
And
Spit out
Beaten
Victorious
Twisted
Torn
Scraped
Battered
Cut
Chewed up
And
Spit out
But
Still standing
Me
In the middle
Lying down
Trying to stand
Beaten up
Chewed out
Spit on
But
Still smiling
TAR III
10.16.02
Looking Glass
Open bottle of blues
Candy on the floor
Curtains floating in the wind
Noise outside the window
Tension on the rise
Cars passing on the street
Airplane overhead chasing the clouds
Stars hiding behind the rain
Wind of change comes blowing
Pausing time inside the looking glass
As I try to ease my mind
Shuffle thoughts and rearrange emotions
Once more looking through the eye piece
But seeing nothing has really changed
So I drink from the blue bottle
Eat the dirty candy
And stumble toward tomorrow . . .
TAR III
10.13.02
Outside
Tick tock, cris cross
Down the mountain
Up the sky
River bubbles
Cricket songs
Peace, tranquillity
And shattered dreams
Lights on
Soon off again
People gone, no noise
No madness
No thoughts
No nothing
Trying to and wanting to leave myself alone
Love eating me inside out
Along with the German booze
Lights off again
Square gone
Branches reaching for the stars behind the clouds
As the crickets sing louder
A song of parting
For summer is gone
Fall is now
Winter is soulless
While spring plans it’s attack
Forever alone among the crowd
Roots run deep trying to quench their thirst
Wood railing ages
The river lost among the bugs
My heart is aching
My body tired
Confusion wraps around me
Suffocating like a pillow over a sleeping victim
Never to awaken
Cold, silent slumber
The evening tea
The fuss, the muss
The why and how comes
Out the spigot and down the drain
My chest open and my all exposed
Where everyone sees and no one even cares…
TAR III
10.04.02
River House @ Lake Lure
Stumbling Forward
Sit, stand, and roll over
Commands of life
That we are given
Drowning in your sorrow
Falling on your face
In the mud
In the sand
In the sun!
Asking for love
Begging for mercy
Looking at your reflection
In the muddy pool
Trees swaying
Birds crooning
Spirits crying
And where are you?
Windows open
Biting bugs
Angry feelings
Hurt soul
You sit in your sorrow
As you go stumbling forward…
TAR III
9.29.02
Regrets
Look into my eyes
Look away
The evil eye
Staring death and hatred
Cutting glances that open up your soul
Hurt and depression eating through your being
Holding on to you
Never letting you go
Troubles that follow you through every breath
Breaking down your heart
Tearing up your emotions
Following you like a dark cloud
Ready to explode mighty wrath upon you
Wipe you from this existence
Drive you from this world
Deliver you to the next level of pain
Never missing a beat of the heart
Never stopping to think
About the happiness that could have been
The life that never was
The times there should have been
But were not
Lonely and old
Dying with no one
Only memories and what could have been
No longer even hope
Only despair
Yet still I sit and suffer
Under my own demise
As life fades away
Movements settle
Dreams conclude
As yet still I search
And have no regrets
For the unending pain
Which I endure
Until the death
When there is no more
The pain all gone
A blissful peace
And all that I regret is LIFE!
TAR III
9.26.02
Scars
Looking through tear-filled eyes
I was only twelve
When first I broke your heart
Running wild, unhaltared into adolescence
Seeking an escape
Silently I brewed
Deception taking me further away
Your words I did not hear
From deep within my heart
I felt the longing to be accepted
Wished that I was one
Inside the broken places of someone’s yesterdays
Reaching into tomorrow
I find that today
Only if in my perception
That dreams they do exist
I weave through the streets
Clinging to life
Survival my chore
Life it seems is only a dream
Awakening of self
My mind projecting prophetic promises
Worlds collide
Suddenly life alive
I run to you
Hands in the air
Arms outstretched
Reaching for but a moment
Tingling with a numbness all over
Bringing to you my soul
Handing into your hand my heart
While all the while
The question I ponder
In what do I believe?
Love I do not know
Alone inside, I die again
Yet I know love longs for me
Through the dark I bud into what will be
Light blinds me
Into surreal dreams my mind wanders
Opened are my eyes
Creation begins from within my heart
Pounding with awareness
My life
No longer about me
Into the light I shine
Trails of my essence cast color into vibration
And I am real
Whole again!
This new love consumes me
Is it all real and true?
This love that you share
This oneness you project
Trying to hold on to the past
While lying to myself
Praying, wishing, hoping
Have I after all found myself in you?
Or am I only inside my mind?
Inside these unfiltered moments of nonreasoning
Universe sends me clarifying messages of truth
And I know that you are one with me . . .
TAR III
AQ
9.20.02
Softness
Sitting in my favorite chair
With or without the comfort
The comfort of soft pillows
The security of pleasant commodities
Heat or cool air
Food and drink
Pulling from my memories
Looking back to times long gone
Times when softness didn’t matter
For just to be alive was comfort
Living and breathing
Were not taken for granted
But was welcomed everyday
And though life was hard
It was a softness to be embraced!
TAR III
8.26.02
Getting Up
Clocks going buzz, buzz beep, beep
Hit the snooze button
Once
Twice
Three
Four
Five times
Ok, ok
I’m up
Making breakfast and fixing lunch
Combing hair and brushing teeth
Turn off that TV
It’s time to go
Have a nice day!
I’ll see you after school . . .
TAR III
9.03.02
Screaming
Ugly, ugly, ugly!
What is going on here?
How much for a little help?
Or a lot of help!
When will it all just go away?
Never, today, tomorrow
Madness everywhere
Chaos and utter clutter
Freaks and fiends
Nasty nightmares that are not dreams
Tension building from within
Hold the anger, pass the peace
Touch the heart and soothe the beast
Got to get out and find my place
Else become a victim
A prisoner
A slave to my own insanity!
How long to impact?
Will I hit my mark?
Become famous
An idol
Someone who will be remembered
Or will I just fade away?
TAR III
8.2.02
Burdens
Spirits circle and hover
Demons cast about their power
Ugly deeds and twisted thoughts
Bring heavy weights upon our hearts
Blackbird spies that tread our souls
Wings of guilt like darkness
Cover up our reasoning
Holding back the truth
The understanding of what is real
Power beyond the right and wrong
Our feet each one in different worlds
Running in two directions at once
Both running away in fear
The fear that holds us steadfast
Fear that binds us
Binds us by the burdens placed upon our hearts…
TAR III
8.28.02
Fighting for Hope
Crisp and clear like the sharpness of a winter’s day
This is how we would like to perceive life
While the people of the world struggle
Sickness abounds around us
Pulling from our resources and abilities
Holding on to and taking comfort in what we have
Afraid to reach for something more
Fear of failure and loss
Keep us from living, truly living a comfortable existence
While each day a little more slips past
Dreams flicker out like a dying flame
And without a fight life is over
Taken for granted just as each breath
Each sunrise or sunset…
TAR III
8.28.02
Blisters
Twisted years without reasoning
Numbness no emotions
Falling through the cracks
Lost in life’s illusion
Lusting for some happiness
Longing for but a moment of love
Climbing the tree of life
Friends and foes falling around me
Consumed by deeds unspoken
Feelings of emptiness, sadness, and anger
Loss beyond the definition
Left with broken dreams
Broken hearts
Helpless!
Wanting more and more
And having none
Struggle and pain
When all I ever wanted
Was to belong and be accepted!
TAR III
8.26.02
Far Away
Taken back in time
Far past the memories of my childhood
Trying to find the beginning
So that I might better understand the end
I reflect on life
My interpretation of my inner feelings
And looking on
Transcending the years of my youth
Holding every moment
Caressing ever so delicately each emotion
Standing in judgement of myself
Questioning my every mistake along the way
Am I here?
No!
I have moved forward past my now
Beyond this moment and just past the next
Was I too late so soon?
Do I not have time to find the answers that I seek?
I try to look ahead to see if there is more
There must be something else
How can it really end this way?
I move back to my now
With a new understanding that there is still time for change!
TAR III
9.7.02
Drops of Love
Light ripples on a windless pond
It seems is how it starts
Tiny waves of life that grow
Rising then falling
Motion with it’s own song
Carried onward at a lethargic pace
Almost seeming to stop
Then moving ever forward
Always slowly at first
This is it seems how love begins
With little motion but energy of it’s own
Ever building, growing, surging forward
Small droplets of life
A collaboration of emotions
A force to reckon with
Movement without question
Until one day it builds growing and growing
Like a tsunami awakened from the ocean’s depths
To crash down upon you without warning
To drown you in it’s warmth
Cuddle and embrace you with its power
Now that you are surrounded by this sea
You become the tiny ripples on the windless pond of life…
TAR III
7.25.02
My Older Poems
|
Holding On
Turning round and round
Looking everywhere
Trying to find an opening
Some space or place
A resting point
Obstacles and adversities
Ghost from my closet of nightmares
Haunting the movement of my now
Following me!
As I look inside myself
Trying to find some energy
Or strength
I see that for the moment
I am only holding on!
TAR III
08-08-02
Fragrance
Close your eyes and clear your mind
Breathe in deep everything around you
Touch the essence of each smell
The scent of your lover
The smell of a fresh bouquet
The bitter sweet aroma of a finely aged wine
Let them carry you floating through their worlds
Breathe in even deeper now
Adding to the collection
The scent of death
The smell of war
The aroma of hatred
Open your eyes and recall each moment
Mix each of these together
This is the fragrance of life!
TAR III
8.8.02
Screaming
Ugly, ugly, ugly!
What is going on here?
How much for a little help?
Or a lot of help!
When will it all just go away?
Never, today, tomorrow
Madness everywhere
Chaos and utter clutter
Freaks and fiends
Nasty nightmares that are not dreams
Tension building from within
Hold the anger, pass the peace
Touch the heart and soothe the beast
Got to get out and find my place
Else become a victim
A prisoner
A slave to my own insanity!
How long to impact?
Will I hit my mark?
Become famous
An idol
Someone who will be remembered
Or will I just fade away?
TAR III
8.02.02
Weirdness
Sitting back and killing time
No one here but me
Neighbor is gone, no noise from above
Loud knock at my door
Who could this be?
I get up to look and she walks in
Lust in her eyes
Sex on her mind
She is mad again!
Not at me, but at herself or maybe him
Make love to me she begs!
She touches my leg
Lets her fingers caress my inner thigh
Kisses me on the cheek
Tells me she wants revenge!
He has cheated again!
Make love to me she pleads
Help me to feel better
These are the only times that I see her
I refuse her!
So that I may keep some dignity
So that I can feel better!
She slams the door on her way out
Swearing she will be back tomorrow!
TAR III
7.29.02
Lost
Do you ever feel like giving up?
Throwing in the towel
As if all the world is caving in
There is no place left to run
Emotions pulling side to side
Up and down and back
Like everything you want or dream
Is too far for you to reach
Displaced distant memories tearing at you soul
Wishing for some solitude
A quite place to go
A peaceful resolution to the time that you’re alone
Moving in a trance
No feelings, sight, or sound
You’ve become lost within society
Where no one gives a damn
Yes I get these feelings all the time
And I am not sure what to do
Not sure where to turn
Not sure where to go
When things seem to be going so well
Why do I feel so low?
So I take a breath and say a prayer
As I try to wait it out
Hoping that these feelings pass
That I some how make it through
To live another day
To maybe find a way out
Or some direction
Or some place where I am not LOST!
TAR III
7.18.02
Obligation
From first we met it felt so right
Long meaningful talks
Moonlit nights
Dreams, desires the little things
All that you wanted I was willing to give
Time has ebbed on and it is not quite the same
You seem so withdrawn
Aloof
Distant
Of course you still call to see how I am
Although the talks we now have are short without meaning
Just the average small talk that is held between friends
Hey how you doing, how are things, where you been?
I wanted much more
I just couldn’t explain
It’s like roping the wind while dodging the rain
I will always remember when things weren’t a mess
Like the nights that we spent with your head on my chest
Or the walks and the talks
The late nights on the town
I will let you off easy
No hateful bitter end
No uneasy obligations
So that we might remain friends . . .
TAR III
7.26.02
Vanilla Life
Can life be so sweet?
Candied confections made with love
And how important is the vehicle?
The right car
The one that will take you anywhere
Anytime
How healthy can life be?
Crawling from dream to dream
Never letting the world in
I have seen the sky
But can not find where it has gone
What is happiness?
Being where you are
Or being you where you are at
Unlock these secrets
Open my eyes
Show me where I fit
Share with me the pleasure and pain
The right and wrong
Help me to find the sky again
So life once more will be so sweet!
TAR III
07-24-02
Dark Gray
Twisting clouds of black and gray
These are the demons that I battle
Violent storms of my life
Building, then crashing down upon me
Pain then peace then pain again
Always just wanting the calm
The peace
The tranquility
The safe haven of being loved
Am I trying too hard?
Am I searching in vain?
When all the right feelings seem right and feel wrong
Will it ever happen to me?
Has my quest for love been tarnished?
Broken into harmless little memories
Memories of what was lost
Memories of what will never be
Like waking from reality inside a broken dream
For it is the reality that holds us
While the dreams escape us
With nothing left but the in-between
No longer black or white
Only gray!
TAR III
7.23.02
Everywhere
Turning round and round and round
People moving all about
Busy at their work
The world is alive with sound
As the wind spins storm clouds far above us
From time to time blotting out the sun
Brief moments of coolness chill our bodies
Then the heat once more
Mirages like walls of life float above the pavement
The steel shimmers blinding our sight
While the city hustles by
People lost in thought
Hurry past unaware of the city’s movement
Not hearing as it begs for mercy
Going and going and going
No feeling or compassion
Falling from reality
Not seeing while looking
Not hearing
No speech
Just existence without existing
Everywhere!
TAR III
7.22.02
Today
Today I finally realized some things about myself
That brought my head out of the clouds
Set me on the ground
I opened all the little boxes
Took out their contents
Remembering everyone
Laughs
Screams
Smiles
Cries
Anger
Happiness
Hurt
Pleasure
All of them
As I searched and searched
There was one missing
Hidden, lost?
Still searching
It was the one of dreams
I must have thrown it away
When I lost ME!
Now I am found and can begin to replace my dreams
TAR III
7.14.02
Life
33 years old!
Today is the day!
A time of self discovery
A place, a point, an existence
So many years
So much time
But it was only just a breath
Today I am learning
Learning of life
Of who I am!
Of what I want to be
Oh God it Hurts!
But the pain is pleasure!!
TAR III
7.13.02
Going
Moving at a fast pace
Watching cars go by
Questioning my life
Wanting to escape
LEAVE!
GO!
A greyhound bus passes
Going the other direction
Not that way!
My eyes are on the west
But my heart is here
And so am I
And I cannot live without my heart!
TAR III
7.13.02
Alcohol
Waking up in a cloud
Last night lingers
Momentary insanity
Still floating
DRY!
Short breath!
Unsure of my surroundings
Moving in a fog of emptiness
I need another drink!
TAR III
7.13.02
Torn
Reach inside your box of gifts
And offer me my prize
Which one, which one will you choose?
Reach inside yourself
Look deep within your heart
Show me all your sides
Which one, which one will I choose?
Looking from behind my eyes
Trusting with my heart
I choose all of you
For I am torn no longer!
TAR III
7.11.02
Withered
Frail and barely holding on
Like grapes too long in the sun
Dried and useless
Searching the mind's sky
Begging for the rain of life
Something to ease the pain
To break this silence
To remind me of why I live
Give me hope and peace
One hundred years
Yet still I search
Maybe tomorrow
Or never
Must I make a stand today?
No
It is not required
Dreams are still forming in the mist
So as I forge through life
Looking for the answers
Still praying for the rain
I fall beside the path and rest
Only to wake again
In this scorched existence!
TAR III
7.5.02
The Crest
Starting from the bottom
A slow, slow climb
Scratching, clawing, pulling
Scaling the wall of life
Every muscle aching
No easy task
Keep pressing onwards
Do not look down
Waves of confusion they crowd me
Trying to push me down
Hold me back and pull me under
Halfway up the way, the wall
Out of breath now
I feel that I am slipping
Can not let go, got to hold on
While struggle and suffering they take their stand
Bringing back memories of the last time
The time before, the now, and the time to come
Reaching with my free hand
My last ounce of being
I pull myself up
I have crested life
What now?
TAR III
7.5.02
Floating
Like a sweet fragrance that lingers briefly in the air
Then in an instant is gone
Falling away
Becoming a memory
Something that is missed
This is how I hold you when you are not here
Like pale moonlight casting solemn shadows
Illuminating the close proximity of our eyes, our lips, our faces
Together without touching
Wanting to, needing to
Lost for a moment in this intensity
Secretly both praying that it will last for an eternity
And almost as soon fleeting clouds block out the light
Bringing darkness down around us
Until only the warmness of our breath escapes us
Then our lips touch
In an instant time stands still
But only briefly
And away we go off into a blissful heaven
Together like the clouds
Floating
TAR III
7.3.02
Beauty
What is beauty?
Can it be defined?
Many try to express its meaning
A label of sorts
A justification of what it should be
But does anyone really know?
Where does beauty come from?
From a perfect picture
A line of poetry that touches your heart
The birth of a butterfly
The shining of the sun or stars
The laughter of a baby
Real beauty must be formed from within
Coming from the heart and soul
Like love
When you see and feel it, it is real
Without definition or meaning
But it is there and you know…
TAR
III
7.1.02
Could
It Be?
I saw a shooting
star and made a wish
I saw a beautiful sunset and thought of you
Wind touching my skin
I thought I heard you whisper my name
As I turned around and saw my reflection in the lake
You were beside me
It brought joy to my heart
Holding hands we walked along in silence
No words needing to be spoken
Everything seemingly understood
As we shared a new sunset
When day ebbed into night
Together we wished on a shooting star
Continuing on hand in hand
We walked along together
Could it be . . . ?
TAR
III
7.1.02
Crushed
Today I woke
up in a dream
To find that life was slowly passing me by
Although I reached and tried to grasp
There was nothing to hold on to
It made me sad
When I rubbed my eyes
Tried to clear my mind
I still felt all alone
And still I was sad
I prayed to God
I called out his name
I knew I was dreaming
But it all seemed so real
For to see life slipping away
My peers and loved ones leaving this earth
Going I know to a better place
Yet still I felt helpless
Is this a normal feeling?
As I draw closer to becoming yet another year older
I can only wonder what tomorrow holds
Though death I do not fear
I do not welcome it
For there are yet many things still to do
Dreams to dream
Life to live
Love to share
For Della Stone
06-29-02,Lina Kilpatrick 06-25-02 RIP for my friends and loved
ones may God keep and love you!
TAR III
7.1.02
Emotions
Raindrops falling from a leaf
Sunrises from the oceans shore
Reflections of life in the smile of a small child
Whispering wind calling through the wildflowers
Sunsets from a Spanish villa
Walks along the river shore
The fragrance of fresh cut spices
Dreams of yesteryear
Memories of tomorrow
Holding hands for hours
Looking for falling stars
Can someone tell me what I feel?
TAR III
6.29.02
Trespass
I ask you not to go there
Told you that you were not welcomed
No more going through my things
Snooping through my life
Looking for what?
Thinking that you still hold some power
Leave, go away, and be gone
Give me back my chance for dreams
I know that it will not be an easy task
But if you ever really loved me?
Grant me this one last request
It is all that I ask of you
Just to live again
Or maybe to love again
Only time will tell
We are now apart
Yet you still haunt my being
Because you choose to trespass on my heart
TAR III
6.29.02
Infusion
of Time
Little plastic hats
Toy soldiers
Marbles and jacks
Honeysuckle and wild snake berries
Fishing with pa-pa
Skipping stones with childhood friends
As time marches on
Memories become infused with new dreams
Dreams that are destined to become memories
Etchings of life
My soul the canvass
The red brush painting from my heart
Markings of yesterday or last year
Sitting now an old soul and a youthful frame
One beyond its years
Waiting for time to end
Hoping for a peaceful transition
Where time stands still
All memories are grand ones
Where the infusion of time is complete
Eyes closed and breath gone
Nothing more
I am done
TAR III
6.28.02
Bitterness
Is not old age just an illusion?
Can youth go on forever?
Like an outlaw from the old west
Always on the dodge
Living on memories and borrowed time
Searching for answers and finding none
Beautiful painted desserts
Gentle flowing rivers
Etched upon their minds
Waiting for death to find them
Embracing it when it comes
Is this the end?
Or but only just a steeping stone
A crossing over into a new bitterness
TAR III
6.28.02
No
Understanding
As I shuffle
through this madness that we call existence
Not sure of what is right or what is wrong
Looking for answers or even reasons for your anger
Life moves on and I am missing the old times
For change has already taken place
Although we are not the same anymore
We are still friends
Living for me is now different
I know now that it is I that have changed
My views on life and happiness are my own
My little secrets, my own desires
Pieces of me that I used to share
I now hold inside
For they are unacceptable to all it seems
Yet they build within me
Until I am bursting at the seams
Ready to explode
So in-spite of confusion, or anger
I share myself again with no understanding
TAR
III
6.28.02
Where From
Here?
Confusing thoughts
they cloud my mind
Falling off the edge of reasoning
I slip into another time long past
How many ways into your world?
Finding fault within perfection is not easy
Like rainbow bubbles in old world glass
They can be seen but they only add to the beauty
As an illusion without explanation
A never ending dream of sorts
A desire just out of reach
The sound of emptiness inside a lonely heart
How it screams to be held
But no one hears
Is there a key?
A hidden doorway?
A secret code?
Searching for an open window of opportunity
Finding all entry into your thoughts forbidden
All paths a dead end road
How long must this journey last?
Does the hurting ever end?
Building sand castles beside the shore before the storm
Only to have them washed away incomplete
Reaching for the stars I might succeed
To rope the moon an easy task
To fall from grace I can conceive
To find myself without the answers is a struggle
When lies would be so easy
So can you tell me?
Where from here?
TAR
III
6.20.02
Home
When you are
near, time stands still
Dreams reach on forever and life is beautiful
Days drift on into lovely sunsets and sweet thoughts of you
Like particles of life transported through time
Memories of friends and loved ones touch my heart
Finding peace within each thought
Is like going home
Back in time when all the little things mattered
When you hold my hand
It is like tiny drops of rain cleansing my soul
A feeling of joy that I cannot express
You touch my heart in a way no other can
Is this meant to be?
Is this true reality?
When I look into your eyes
I can see forever, today, and yesterday
My thoughts and feelings become one
All my senses are alert
Sight, smell, taste, and feeling
Everything becomes one
Nothing is out of place
All things are right within themselves
Beauty is peace
Life is happiness
When we are together I am home
TAR
III
6.19.02
Focus
Look inside your
heart
Face your fears head on
Never stopping to look for ways
Always trusting in your self
Finding courage to overcome the obstacles
One only needs to entertain the mind
But do not think too long
For reasoning is very easily clouded
Simplicity through openness is a key
A key that opens any lock
Take flight and soar
Because you are the world
Take your dreams and make them a reality
Find the center of your desires
All of that which makes you happy
And focus!
TAR
III
6.17.02
Selfish
How far into
madness will we throw ourselves?
Falling down the splintered edges of life
Twisted reasoning clouding our better judgment
Further into our own emptiness we dive
Never swimming for the surface
Deeper and deeper
Yearning for the icy depths
Pulling the coldness ever closer
Never missing the light
Will we ever reach the bottom?
Tighter and tighter
As the pressure forces out the air
And the darkness encases us like a second skin
Breaths become shallower
As the end draws near
Never looking back
Never wanting to know
Pushing forward into the murky depths
'Til there is nothing left
No breath, no sight, no feeling
Unholy but whole
No more dreams
Treason against our souls
Hollow empty feelings
Sadness and despair
Never knowing the outcome
Yet one must ponder
Were we given a second chance?
Would we waste it again?
TAR
III
6.7.02
11:20 p.m.
Technology
All these pictures
all these sounds
Blink, blink, click, click
Bad news, happy times
Falling into
the hum drum
The hub, the network
A million fiber-optic fingers
They caress our souls
You got mail
You got pictures
Speeding through the cosmos
Staring into
the multicolored screen saver
While listening to news
Radio playing in the background
My favorite song and I hum the tune
Power down
TV off
The song ends
I sign my name and turn off devices
Yet technology keeps rolling on…
TAR
III
5.30.02
Harmony
Swimming in my emotions
I find inspiration
Happy, sad
Life is my teacher
Into this existence
We are tossed
Only we yearn
Ever searching for our freedom
For to experience
Without worry
Is to truly live
As we toll along
our way
We are ever learning
Always growing
Finding answers
For but one brief
moment
We find each other
Your dreams and mine the same
We share in our
collaboration
We find that we are one
Life becomes bliss
And beauty befalls us
We are blind
to all
As we see everything
Yet all we notice
Are one another
All is grand
Everything is right
Moments are forever
And forever is but a moment
As we share this
time
Never wanting it to end
One can only hope
That all of life is balanced….
TAR III
5.15.02
3:19 a.m.
Broken Dreams
In another time
when all was new
Life held fire like the sun
The winds of change blew strong
Dreams were chased and sometimes caught
Love was passionate
and erotic
No mountain was too high
The entire world was bright and vibrant
Dreams became realities and all were grand
As the time rushed
onward UN-haltered
Life became consumed by change
The strong winds became a gentle breeze
Dreams became dreams again and reality was life
In time we see
memories
Like little mirrored images
Flashing our past back at us
Dreams for but a moment are rekindled
All our childhood
dreams
Like an old friend, they comfort us
Music of the past
Dreams like a broken record playing on and on
Waking from our
blissful slumber
The reality of old age descends upon us
As we realize all our youthful illusions of living forever
Were only dreams
Dreams that were meant to be broken…
TAR III
5.20.02
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