BA woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.
As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his
stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything... he might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to
bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, adead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a fewkeys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is
dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry... if you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20... but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."
Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al Gore first: "Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe I won the election, but it was your will that I not serve. And I've come to understand and accept that now."
God thinks for a second and says, "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me"
"Forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."
God then addresses Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
5. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
6. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
7. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
8. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko..
9. What Do You Get a From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk..
10. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
11. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
12. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
13. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
14. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
15. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
A man and wife were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because
they watched their pennies. And though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will
be your home now."
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man.
"This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.
"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!"
The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?"
"Not unless you want to," was the answer.
No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..."
"Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."
The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!
A man's car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful, old monastery.He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door of the monastery. A monk answered, listened to the man's story and graciously invited him to spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in which to sleep. The man thanked the monks and slept serenely until he was awakened by a strange sound. The next morning, as the monks repaired his car, he asked about the sound that woke him. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can'ttell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
The man was disappointed, but eager to be gone, so he thanked the monks for their kindness and went on his way. During quiet moments afterward the man pondered the source of the alluring sound.
Several years later, the man was driving in the same area. He stopped at the monastery on a whim and asked admittance. He explained to the monks that he had so enjoyed his previous stay, he wondered if he might be permitted to spend another night under their peaceful roof. The monks agreed and the man stayed.
Late that night, he heard the sound. The next morning, he begged the monks to explain the sound. The monks said, "We're sorry. We can't tell you about the sound. You're not a monk."
By now, the man's curiosity had turned to obsession. He decided to give up everything and become a monk if that was the only way to learn about the sound. He informed the monks of his decision and began the long and arduous task of becoming a monk.
Seventeen years later, the man was finally established as a true member of the order. When the celebration ended, he humbly went to the leader of the order and asked to be told the source of the sound.
Silently, the old monk led the new monk to a huge wooden door. He opened the door with a golden key. That door swung open to reveal a second door of silver then a third of gold! and so on until they had passed through twelve doors, each more magnificent than the last.
The new monk's face was awash with tears of joy as he finally beheld the wondrous source of the mysterious sound he had heard so many years before.
But, I can't tell you what it was. You're not a monk.
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.
When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.
Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"
He replied, "To the kitchen."
She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
He replied, "Sure."
She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"
He said, "No, I can remember that."
She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."
He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."
With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:
"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
1. Only in America . . . can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America . . . are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America . . . do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America . . . do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
5. Only in America . . . do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America . . . do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America . . . do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America . . . do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America . . . do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures.'
10. Only in America . . . do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?
On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin. As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee," Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are…very slowly?"
The blonde leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr gerrrrrr Kiiiing."
Say the following phrases fast. Solve the puzzles by saying them out loud, over and over, faster and faster, repeating the phrase, until you "hear" the answer. Example: LAWN SAND JEALOUS (place) Answer: Los Angeles
1. SHOCK CUSSED TOE (person)
2. SAND TACK LAWS (fictional character)
3. MY GULCH HOARD UN (person)
4. MOW BEAD HICK (book)
5. TALL MISCHIEF HER SUN (person)
6. CHICK HE TUB BAN AN US (product)
7. THOUGH TIGHT AN HICK (thing)
8. AISLE OH VIEW (phrase)
9. TUB RAID HEAP HUNCH (TV show)
10. CARESS TROUGHER CLUMP US (person)
11. DOCKED HEARSE WHOSE (person)
12. THUMB ILL KEY WAKE OWL LICKS HE (place)
13. AGE ANT HUB BLOWS HEAVEN (fictional character)
14. THESE HOUND DOVE MOO SICK (movie)
15. BUCK SPUN HE (fictional character)
Okay, the answers are below. Don't cheat! Cheaters will be persecuted under the maximum penalty of joke laws.
ANSWERS:
1. Jacques Cousteau
2. Santa Claus
3. Michael Jordan
4. Moby Dick
5. Thomas Jefferson
6. Chiquita Banana
7. The Titanic
8. I love you
9. The Brady Bunch
10. Christopher Columbus
11. Doctor Seuss
12. The Milky Way Galaxy
13. Agent 007
14. The Sound of Music
15. Bugs Bunny
This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody. There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Everybody was sure Somebody would do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he walked alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked over his shoulder again and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run faster still. He tripped and fell to the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear... right on top of him... reaching for him with the left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the atheist cried out "Oh my God! . . ."
Suddenly, time stopped. The bear froze in motion. The forest was ever so silent. Even the river ceased to move. As a brilliant ray of light emerged from the sky and shone upon the man, a powerful voice spoke to him, "You have denied my existence for all of these years; you teach others that I do not exist and you credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you now as a believer?"
The atheist blinked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to convert to a Christian after all these years, but could you instead make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice from above. The bright light disappeared. All of a sudden, life resumed around the man. The river ran again. The forest became alive once more with the gentle sounds of nature.
The bear stirred. Slowly, he lowered his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and graciously spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"
One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."
Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."
A little girl walked daily to and from school. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trip to school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning.The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school, and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child.
Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got in her car and drove along the route to her child's school. As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile.
Another and another were to follow quickly, each with the little girl stopping, looking up and smiling. Finally, the mother called over to her child and asked, "what are you doing?"
The child answered, "smiling, God just keeps taking pictures of me."
A man is walking his dog in a park when he meets another man, also walking his dog. They say hello and start to talk about their dogs. One has a chihuahua and the other a doberman.
They decide to rest for coffee and they walk into a local cafe. Upon seeing a 'no animals allowed' sign, the man with the doberman says "Don't worry, put on these dark glasses. We'll pretend these are our guide dogs".
So the men do this and go into the cafe. When the waiter comes over, he says to the man with the doberman "I'm sorry sir, but we do not allow animals in here. You'll have to take that dog outside."
"But this is my guide dog," says the man.
"A doberman! A doberman isn't a guide dog," says the waiter.
"Actually, a doberman is particularly suited to being a guide dog nowadays. They provide lots of security and they are very well mannered."
"Oh, alright then," says the waiter, and then he notices the other dog. "Excuse me sir, but you can't have that dog in here," he says to the other man.
"Oh yes I can, this is my guide dog" says the man.
"But that dog is a chihuahua! A chihuahua isn't a guide dog!" says the waiter.
The man exclaims "what, they gave me a chihuahua?!"
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